This Moment

Sometimes, it just feels as if your life has led up to one moment. This moment. The very time when all your past decisions line up perfectly to create the perfect storm of wonder, awe, and beauty.

This moment is one of those times. This moment explains all past hardships (pff...I haven't really faced hardship at all, who am I to talk?), explains all past happiness, explains why I am where I am today. It explains my parents, my family, my friends, and those close to me. This moment creates a feeling that will only be replicated a few other times in my life - the feeling of complete and utter joy and gratefulness for what I have been blessed with in this amazing life.

The time from my conception to now has been marked by an unimaginably large amount of forces beyond and within my control. Chaos and I are constantly creating a beautiful storm of nowness, a now that has contributed to this now, this special moment of being. Even though this moment is constantly moving and shifting its place, a piece of this moment intertwines itself with the past and the future. This moment is a never-ending tornado that rips time across boundaries, spreads time across infinite spatial bread like peanut butter.

Because this moment has shreds of the past and the future, I just want to express my complete and utter thanks for all the love that I have been shown throughout my life. I know love has been a common theme on this blog, but its truly what mostly inspires me to write. Sometimes, even when I am alone and sitting at my computer, in what seems like a meaningless moment, I can feel the meaning of life because I have felt and continue to feel the love of the incredible people that I inhabit this earth with.

So thank you, friends. Thank you, family. Thank you, nature. Thank you, world. Thank you, universe. But mostly, thank you, love. I know you're out there.

Creation

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating and recreating yourself.

The Mountain

Thick beige bumps bulging against the summer sky
Cascade off in avalanche as they whip against the wind
From the bottom of the mountain
A polluted river drips
Heavy drops falling with the beige
Red, glistening drops of blood
Paint the grass with life
At the base of the mountain, a round cushion remains
Sopped in a red-brown haze, the river's remains
Above this, a great brown tree
A piece of its trunk, sawed off in a round
Though brown, it crackles with blood fire
As hot as the sun, striped black from its burns
On top of the tree, a caressing canopy
A raincoat of yellow, seemingly left by a child
Thick and soothing, the yellow sits
Directing the rivers flow downward, feeding the grass
Atop the canopy, a dome
The very top of the mountain, the creme de la creme
The Superdome of nature
Without the dome, the mountain would lay incomplete
It presses against the canopy, causing it to sag
Its almost as if the mountain is sad.
Why sad, you say?
The mountain is uprooted from its stable position
Amid a white mecca of plastic snow
Grabbed by a fleshy human
Who simply wants to eat his Cheeseburger.

Who Am I?

A seemingly simple question, no?

No.

It pains me to have to write in language, the ever liberating constraint on us all, to tell you about this. Language makes me me and you you and dictates the divide between all things. At the same time language allows us to communicate, we control its contents, what means what depending on how we require a word to fit our needs.

Anyway, using language, I guess I am a human being. What the hell does that even mean? Aren't I an animal? It doesn't really matter, when it comes down to it. I'm probably both, with humanity defined as a unique animal just as a frog is a frog and an ant is an ant.

Enough about the futility and frustration of language. Onto more important things, i.e. my search for myself.

I'm certainly not the same person that I was when I was three. Or twelve. Or sixteen. Oh god, sixteen...that age where you are so stuck on defiance that you don't realize the people who truly care about you at the very deepest levels.

While I'm not the same person that I was during those years, I have maintained some consistencies. I still remember those years, was formed by those years. Most of all, my parents formed me. They fell in love and ultimately created me, an act of compassion I will be forever grateful to them for. I am so goddamn happy just to be alive. On this earth. Breathing this air. Struggling to breathe this air through my infected lungs. Because they dared to breathe, I breathe now.

So at a very base level, I am the result of my parents, and all their social interactions - their lifetimes, their journeys and adventures during their times as teenagers. They had parents too, and so on - on and on back to their parents, and their parents, and their parents. Its really truly amazing when you sit back and consider the sheer number of ancestors that we've all had. So many parents before us to create who we are now. Even more incredible is that we can take all that history, the millions of years that it took to create us, and still change. We can strive to change ourselves through hard work, determination, habit, social interaction, and everything in between. Your story is unwritten despite this ridiculous, unlimited history.

Before me came my parents parents parents parents parents parents...parents. Who were they? I wonder. I wish I could go shake their hand. Hug them. Hold them in my arms. Imagine how powerful that moment would be? Who were they? Imagine how differently they must have lived their lives? And yet I bet they understood how to love. Even Bonobos know how to love.

Speaking of Bonobos and chimps and all things apes, think and consider for a moment that they came immediately before us in the millions of years of evolutionary history. And what came before them? And them? History is an amazing time capsule of our genetic history. Millions of years have led up to this moment, to now, to make us who we are today.

The great chain of being throughout history leads back and back, through the birds and reptiles and dinosaurs and fishes and even mere bacteria. Molecules. The first molecule.

What came before that? What was life? Was life? They say cliches are cliche for a reason...HOW DID IT ALL COME INTO BEING?!

I wish I could go back to the beginning of time and just scream this question. It wouldn't matter who heard me.

The ironic part about all of this is that I have a little bit of the beginning of time inside of me. Some part of that original moment of creation is still a part of me now.

God is a part of me now. God is within me. He is my consciousness, my love, and my light.

I guess thats who I am.

Aristotle

"We give up leisure in order that we may have leisure, just as we go to war in order that we may have peace."

Sometimes, it pays to push yourself.

Love

The single most valuable lesson I have learned in my time at Vassar College is the importance of unconditional love. To love is the most important, most powerful, most enduring, most difficult, most courageous action that a person can experience in his or her time on earth. A life without love lacks substance. A life with love can last forever, and even persist through death. Think for a moment about the people that you love in your life and make sure you let them know that you love them. The love shared between a close friend, a family member, or a lover is the most absolutely real thing you will experience on this earth. Remind those close to you of their importance to you every day. Hug and don't be afraid to show complete and utter affection towards the loving people who surround and support you each and every day. You never know the day that they will be taken away from you, or you from them. Cherish each and every day with them and show no fear in your affection. Completely embrace the people you love. The key to living a long, healthy, and happy life is to be surrounded with loving, caring, feeling individuals. If you experience love on a daily basis, you are truly blessed. Spread your love to as many people as possible and never stop spreading it.

To anyone who has shown me any degree of love throughout my life, I thank you from the absolute bottom of my heart. I will try my hardest over the rest of my life to show you how much I care about you and how much I love you in return. You have made my life an absolute joy to live and I cannot thank you enough for that. Every day I wake up and smile because I know I am loved. Every day is filled with ecstasy because of the love I have experienced. I can't name you all here because I could go on forever with all the affection that has been shown towards me. You all are the best. You make my life a complete joy to live and I look forward to every day.

I love you all so very, very much.

Dreamcatcher

I am a dreamcatcher
An idea floating in the night
A body upon this earth
The sparkling threads suspend us
Sustain us in this neverending sphere
The threads bend to the rhythm of life
The fraying extends
A delicate expanse of the paths you can take
An understanding of who you are
Who you can be
Who you have been
An artful fork in the road
An epic, if you will
A complete story in myself
An archetype of what it means to be
I weave these dreams to my liking
They mold to my likeness
Creating a work of art I never could have imagined
This moment in time
This space of mine
A fragile fragment that has been caught
In my ever suspended dreamcatcher
This world is my dreamcatcher
You are my reflection in the mirror
Reminding me that I am for a reason
I weave and I float
Through this neverending dreamcatcher
Complexities grasping me
Caught in the threads of reality
I'm caught
But I embrace
I become one with my dreamcatcher
It becomes one with me
I understand it, treat it as my equal
Respect each and every space
Understanding the intricate design
This dreamcatcher has been made this way for a reason
That reason is truth, light, goodness, being
As soon as I touch the fabric, I understand
I feel complete ecstasy
Returning to the sparkle of beauty
That this discovery of reality has shown me
The fabric sparkles bright
Captivates me completely
The sparkle of life, children smiling deep within
A sparkle that illuminates
What it means to be alive
Only the most joyful survive in this world
Because they bring complete and utter happiness
They continue to build the dreamcatcher
An add a unique beauty
That makes the dreamcatcher spin
On and on in my minds eye
Oh dreamcatcher
Be with me tonight
As I lay down to sleep
Watch over me, my Papa, my family, my friends, my dogs, and I
Tonight, just as you did last night
Spin on forever
And continue to show your beauty
To me and the rest of your beautiful universe.

Driving Thoughts

I was driving along today trying to look every other driver in the eyes to get at some part of their being. As I drove along and looked, I discovered that almost every person looked miserable.

When you're doing something as simple as driving, try to get the most out of it. Count your blessings and the fact that you even have a car. Think about where you're going and why it matters to you. If you're in a rush, don't be - just relax and explain to the person (or group) why you were late. Improve on it next time so you don't have to explain yourself in the future. A life spend explaining oneself is a life spent lying, a life nobody desires.

Kick back, relax, and throw on your favorite music. If the radio isn't doing it for you or you don't have your favorite cd, turn off the music for once and enjoy the simple, beautiful silence. Roll down your windows and bask in the sun, or, if its winter, appreciate the harsh cold for what it is - a reminder of what it means to be alive, with cold, brisk air running through your nostrils and into your lungs, powering the incredible, wonderful machine that is you and your body.

Taking the time to appreciate small actions and habits like this make you realize how rich with possibility life is. Pay attention to every detail, every moment, every thought, and you will have felt and loved for an eternity on this beautiful earth.